#if hes not tied up on my bed for my birthday im killing myself

[aeragan]

There's a myriad of things I need to do to this man and none of them are pg

[theboobserweight]

Me.

Hi to whomever is reading this. I had a moment of confidence where i felt like i was ready to share my story, share what makes me me. And that’s exactly what i am going to do with this blog post.

This story isn’t a pretty one. And i am not going to use any names, and wont go into much detail. But if you want to know why i am the way i am. What’s made me who i am. Keep reading.

So my real name is Kimberley, yes that’s right. The legal spelling of my name isn’t even with a Y. But there were 2 other Kimberley's at my school so I decided to change it to spelling it with a Y and I’ve been spelling it that way since I was 7.

My childhood was great. I have the world’s greatest parents tbh. I am closer to my dad than anyone, but we’ll get to that.

See my mom doesn't like alternative. She wanted me to be a girly girl, but my dad didn't mind as long as i was happy. My mom didn't. so I grew up alot closer to my dad.

At the age of 13 I started to rebel. My dad had raised me on rock music since i was a child. My first ever concert was Bruce Springsteen haha. I started to go in that rebel direction. When i started secondary school, it was a brand new school and we were the only year there. The top. I was the only alternative person. Which brought on a mercy of bullying. Being called ugly, fat (Which i was bigger), goth and everything else. But i tried to focus as much as I could and let it go. 

By time I was 15 I had tired of the bullying. it lead to me having a physical fight with a boy in the cafeteria of the school. Safe to say i didn't get bullied after that lol.

College was better, i started to find myself. My dancing was going amazing. In fact at the age of 17 i competed and WON the under 18 European dance hip hop championships :) (Little fact about me for you there) I was on top of the world. But that didn’t last long.

See at the age of 17 i had met a guy, on Myspace. And i fell in love. He seemed perfect to me, I would do anything for him. I was a mug. Let me tell you and example. See I lived on the edge of Essex near Lakeside shopping centre, and he lived and worked in Romford. I would drive my car to his house to pick him up and drop him off to work. And then do the same when he had finished. I was stuck. He cheated on me several times, manipulating me to believe it was my fault. And i believed him, and forgave him. That’s when the relationship started to turn toxic. I wouldn’t realize it until i was 24 but I was being emotionally abused. But more so, I was being physically. But at the time i thought that was what love was. And even more so, I thought that with love you gave everything to the person you loved. Even if you didnt want to. And i dont like to mention the word so I’ll use the single letter but he R’d me several times. And i thought it was out of love, i thought he loved me. And i let him do it because he led me to believe that if i loved him i would let him do whatever he wanted to do to me.

It took me time, but i eventually cut ties, due to the help of my best friend. I had to do it by text out of fear what would happen if i did it to his face. And i had to get her to push the button to send the message. Still to this day i remember what he text back to the 3 page essay i had sent him. 6 words. “Whatever makes you happy i guess” He would try to get back with me eventually. Again trying to make me believe that it was my fault. But I didn’t let him.

It would be at this point in my life, 2 days before i was due to go away on holiday for my birthday that I would try kill myself for the first time. Luckily my cousin was there to stop me.

I started my 18th birthday depressed. In new york of all places, trying to have fun but i was shook. I came back, surrounding myself with some incredible people. And everytime he would try contact me, my friends would answer the phone. Even down to a good friend of mine pretending to be my bf lol!

I tried to live my life as well as i could after that, trying to find myself. I didnt know what i wanted to do with my life. I didnt know if i could go into another relationship. My confidence was gone. That girl I was before him was no where to be found. 

I started working at my local cinema. And these were the best 3 years of my life. Ups and downs, highs and lows but easily the best time of my life.

I was 19 and I met a guy whilst i worked there and we started dating. I tried my hardest to let my guard down with this guy. But it just wasnt working. I couldn’t even let him kiss me and I didn’t know why. And I was kind of lucky that it wasn’t working. You see.. this guy was only dating me cos he had a bet with several other people that worked there that i didnt get on with to see how long it would take him to get me into bed. Safe to say, being friends with the manager works in your favour, cos i got them fired.But once again the confidence i had built up was now back to zero.

I just got on with my life after that. I didn’t think about dating or anything like that. I weren’t living for anything. I was just working and enjoying my life as much as i could.

At 21, I was lucky enough to go on holiday with my BFF and her family to Vegas. That was alot better than my 18th birthday.

At the end of 2011, i met a guy through a mutual friend and we got on really well. We stared dating, and for the first time in a long time I thought i had built my confidence back up. But that guard I had was lingering in the background. I was trying to push him away and he didn’t realize. Until I did. I hadn’t ever considered how much my first relationship would impact my future relationships until this guy. We could kiss, and make out for hours. But if it even tried to go further it would cause me to have an anxiety attack. I couldn’t let him touch me, at all. And it’s then i realized I had a problem. That relationship ended because he chose to cheat on me and get back with his ex.

So record so far. 1 guy abused and R’d me. 1 guy dated me for a bet. and 1 cheated. Not a good track record for a girl aged 21 huh?

And thats why at age 21 I would again attempt to kill myself. This time seeking comfort in a friend after ODing.

I gave up after that. I focused into different things. I decided dating wasn’t an option for me. I had to find myself, i had to find that confidence again.

And that’s when i started wrestling. A good friend taught me that the perfect character in wrestling is the person  you dont have the confidence to be in real life. Alas, Kymmie was born. Kymmie oozes confidence, she believes shes untouchable. And that was the girl i wish i could be in real life. Not this depressed, anxiety driven shy girl that everyone just thinks is a bitch cos she wont talk to them.

At the age of 26 i did eventually meet someone that would change my life. A guy that I am able to call a best friend. He changed everything. He made me find me again. My guard dropped the quickest it had ever, and I opened up. And for the first time in a long time, I could say that I was becoming me again. And at 26, 8 years after the guy that destroyed me, and made it so that no man could ever touch me. I finally let it happen. 

Fast forward to 2018, and I’m currently 28. My confidence right now is amazing. I still have alot of work to do, but I am learning each day to love myself. I do love myself. I have the greatest friends in the world.

I have taken a hitus from wrestling due to a back injury sustained on a horrible decision i made last year. But i will continue next year.

I have my instagram as a way to help me build confidence in how I look. Alot of people assume that due to my insta that im easy and i’m a slut. I can tell you right now, hand on my heart, that i am 28 and i have slept with 2 people. I dont count my rape as me loosing my virginity at all. It is very hard for me to be sexual with someone and let that wall down. And I am in no way ashamed to admit that I was 26 when i lost my virginity.

My depression and anxiety still exists within me, and it comes out often. I may seem confident, and untouchable. But I’m honestly not always on the inside.  If you honestly think I look confident, believe me when i say that 80% of the time that is fake, and I am actually hiding behind a mask. Like most people in life do.

If you see me at shows, or anything. And i havent approached you to say hi, Its not me being stuck up. And it isn’t me being a bitch. Its because i’m too shy and nervous to say hello as much as i want to. And my inner demons, due to my anxiety are messing with me. So please dont hesitate to come say hello.

I am working on being more confident around people, but its a process, and it will take some time. 

But that is my story summed up.

If you are still reading by this point, then thank you. I hope this gives you some sort of insight to who i am and why i am the way i am.

The last thing I will say is something i learned the weekend. And that is to make sure you surround yourself with positive people. I have recently cut some of my family out of my life (not my immediate) but this is due to them always been negative on the things i do, and i dont need that. 

I choose to surround  myself to positive people, those who boost me and those whom i can boost to.

But thank you for taking the time to read this. If you want to reach out and talk to me you are more than welcome to. My inbox is always open. 

Have a great day!

Kisses xoxo

[mydomhusbandhissubwife]

My first husband left me with four daughters when I was pregnant with my youngest, but God sent me a wonderful new husband whom I am greatful for, he is my purpose to be at his side and obeying honoring respectful and submissive. Im a stay at home mother and wife as my Mother was and hers as well.

My daughter's will see how to be good moral godly women from me.

My daughter's are 12 -14- 16 -17 yrs of age.

They are all very loved and cared for by there step father and feel he is there real father at this point in time.

I have had a abusive childhood and young adult life. My father was accidentally killed when I was 6 yrs old, my mother remarried but was always soon left on her own.

My Mother once I was 11-22 yes old found that beating me when she was upset for something I had done or something else made her feel better, so I was an only child when living alone Mother would work and I took care of cleaning the house and doing chores, once my Mother was home she would inspect the house and my other chores then if I had done it to her approval she would clean up change and start dinner.

I will say that I always felt deeply in my heart of hearts I was one day to be my husband's property, I remember it made me feel calm and very excited thinking about making him proud of me as I obeying respectful and submissive to his every command.

As I started to slowly grown into a young woman my body filling out and boys my age or older that I noticed staring at me.

My Mom would pay attention to me in church where I also went to school and graduated from some years later, My mom was strict about how I was in my daily life behaving and dressing as well as grooming me to be able to please a future bf/husband one day.

Now at 13-14 I started to dwell on boys I had crush's on or young adult men in there early 20s roughly handling me slapping my face if I mouthed off or to just do so as well as shredding my clothes off roughly using my body and humiliated punished and hurting me for there amusement made me crave to be allowed to date my mom was open to making sure I was clean good manners and respectful obedient submissive as well as knew how to be a good wife and mother.

My mother would often punish me for things she felt I needed to know. She always had me nude and received a spanking on my bare bottom she said a good wife will crave to be whipped by her husband and if he enjoys doing so that great wife's will encourage him to thrash them and learn to love the pain the embarrassing positions in that she is displayed for him in making sure he will be proud of a good wife seeing her crave more moaning to his delight.

This ment every time Mother would punish me I was to learn to enjoy pain making it pleasure instead. She helped with my training in this by making sure I was aroused as I was spanked by her. Telling me as I was swatted to spread my legs rub my shaved mound on her knees and that feeling my hard nipples being touched pinched and flicked, my bottom swatted hard my bottom burning colors from light pink to deep red and using implements as I was older to arouse and make me used to them was normal daily routine.

Enemas, and ginger root, plugs, and to make sure my wedding night was a success at 16-21 of age I was told once my mom bought a training rubber gurthy and normal length male genitals and made sure I could orally please him I would be always sucking licking stroking and seeing how long I could keep it all the way down my throat until I needed to breath.

My Mother once I was 17 allowed me to date a young man who was 16 yrs old. My mother told him before are date that I was to be a good girl and telling my date if I gave him any issues that he was to tell Mother once he was back to drop me off.

My Mom before my date arrived had given me a paddling to remind me to be well behaved as not to embarrass her for having a misbehaving daughter. Mother said I should obey and let the young man lead.

Once in his car and after we where going to the bowling alley after parking we went in and having lots of fun. After we drove to the pond and walked a hiking trail leading to a part that was over grown and had benches to sit facing the pond and woods.

He and I grew up seeing each other daily and talking when possible, and until that evening myself or him had been allowed to have the time it took to really have me to himself.

I remember thinking as I sat on his side that seeing his young hands strong his legs muscled handsome face steely eyes strong jaw it all made me feel safe and I wished he would know that he could have done as he wished to me.

He saw as I walked infront of him twirling my pleaded skirt as I spun around giggling and smiles at him. He did not seem nervous like some other boys that I was allowed to be taken out by and it stem's from him knowing I was happy to see him looking at my body.

I was seen by him earlier that same year as my Mother had taken me out of church service to the back end into a empty class room and there I was given a bare bottom spanking for staring at a older young man seating a few rows behind where we sat.

My mom cought on and told me to stop but after her 2end warning she marched out with me gripping my upper arm sternly walking me to the classroom and once I was bent over the metal grey and sliver desk skirt up panties down at my ankles she was upset to much to see the boy in the room across from me watch as I was spanked Mother once done said I was to wait like that until ten minutes then return to sit with her making sure I would be calm. She left and I still eyes locked on his asked him to come over and see how bad I was thrashed . He blushed and smiled walking around me to see my bottom burning hot my butt I raised up legs spread I said to him that I liked him and only him I asked him to help me feel better and rub my sore bottom. He hesitated then started to gental and answering me as I asked him if I was pleasing to him hearing his yes and asking if he enjoys seeing me spanked he smiled and said he did now. He saw my wet lips feeling his touch I told him if he would allow me to be able to be his date one day that his time with me would be for his enjoyment, I said I would promise to be on that day his eager willing obedient secret.

He closed the door and said he thought I was very pretty and I made him feel very excited I saw his man hood grow behind his pants. I pulled up my panties and let my skirt down. I asked him before leaving what he as a man felt a girl like myselfs duty is. He said he hoped a wife. One day for him would be able to tell by his eyes figure out what makes him feel she was a good wife.

He had watched my Mom thrash me a few more times if I saw him watching me be swatted I was always sure to spread my legs raised my bottom and whimper/moaned softly as well as once alone fantasy my bed rubbing my self pretending to have him abuse my body until I would climax.

I asked him to know that he could have me do anything to make him enjoy being with me that night. He said he would be pleased if I stripped seeing my nude body he enjoyed touching me and as I answered his questions about being excited when I was punished from Mother having me tell him the truth I blushed saying I loved it if he watched mom whip me it would be overwhelming for me.

I said I wanted to be a man's slut his toy for him to abuse. He had me tell him about how I was punished I told him in detail rubbing my self as I did. I climaxed in front of him he was smiling and happy to be apart of this, he told me to have my eyes shut until he said to open them I obeyed he had me kneeling down and orally please him. I sucked swallowed and gagged on his hard penis stoking him slobbering all over and moaning licking his shaft up and down his breathing quick grunting as I gave him the best I could give. He came I swallowed all of his seed once he was done with my mouth he zipped up and buttoned. His pants I stood up and smiled at him. Driving to my house I said if he was to keep on seeing me that I would give him a present to think on. So once home he had me mouth off to him my mom heard watching me he then found mother with my arm sternly held in place asking him if her daughter's attitude was acceptable after he had left or just now sowered. He said I had been determined to lead over him and that he would consider another date only if I was made sure to not behave as I had.

My mother not smart enough to know we where using her to have me thrashed but I played my part as she told him to have a seat in the back lounge room and there I was thrashed in front of my first husband.

He told my mom he was wanting to date me regularly, and once he was granted permission only after a few months did it take for him to thrash me alone and infront of my mom as he felt comfortable to do so.

After a solid year mom would trust him eoungh to leave us alone to go shopping or to join friends for girl time getting hair done.

Once alone I had been enjoying behaving as a slut craving his abuse being his toy. He pumped his seed into my bottom and stomach I was called names humiliated embarrassed teased tied up displayed nude my sensitive lips he enjoys swatting. I told him I would do anything and everything to make him happy if he had me be his wife. Three years later married and living on our own he worked and once home he would be treated as my king. I would have beautiful girls join us in making sure he was pleased being degarated and embarrassed spanking me as his buddy's watch or use me for there amusement drunk.

I got pregnant with my first daughter and he knew I kept saying she was going to be taught by myself to be a good wife and mother as mom had taught me. As he got older he said that seeing me being whipped by a older women or young woman depending on the time was his craving.

As my second daughter was conceived my eldest grew up. At her 14 birthday she was behaving poorly my husband told me to take care of the brat I had been spanking my eldest daughter for some time and that time was no different she was stripped naked and crying hard blushing I laid her across my lap and with my hand I swatted her bare bottom hard my leg over both of hers to not allow her to kick or struggle free. My husband once I was done had his belt and strapping her bottom 14 times as of her age she was sobbing begging for it to stop. I took her to tuck her in to bed early. After I went to my husband who was still sitting belt in hand I knew he was needing to be released his swollen hard penis needed to cum spanking a girl or woman always made him very excited. I stay in shape and I'm lucky to have a body that has held it's shape after the children and up to my age.

I've had my breast made to be perky and young firm bouncy again my first husband would start to do coke and drink. And he started to only sexually enjoy a young woman who worked under him. I knew he was craving to corrupt her no love only to make her his toy. After my last daughter was 2 months in my belly he said he was going to leave. I was left and after he left us his house property and some money.

I then determined to make sure it never happened again. Made my body fit and healthy, so much attractive to out shine young women. At my local park I found my next husband he had a son who was 13 and his wife had cheated and ran off with some guy moving to the country he lived in. I know when a Dom looks at me his eyes tell me. So I showed him a beautiful sexy submissive willing woman eager to please. After a few months he dated me a year past and I was married.

Now my sadist husband teaches his willing slave wife to do his biding he pays for my daughter's and myself to live very well from most so I keep his pleasure at the top of my priority list.

[syxjaewon]

bc i'm greedy and thirsty af for secret jaewon thoughts and these two have a lot of years knowing each other-- 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭 💭

AH FUCK HAHAHA XDDD

this asshole little runt??? don’t try to steal from me what the fuck???

oh great, he’s abraxas’s kid…

how annoying

that damn scratch has got to be around here somewhere, they said it would be just around the corner, damn it, why do i ever trust these motherfuckers? at least there’s a moon out tonight, and bright too, so–……

kafka? HOLY SHIT???

i mean, wow, he… grew up??? well????? shit, how old is he now, it’s been forever….

how long have i been rolling around in this bed trying to sleep? i need to stop thinking about him… i need to sleep

i wonder what kafka’s up to

is he still safe? still with that old fart?

still running around, trying to steal my shit?? heh

why’s he so annoying and fun at the same time? i wish i didn’t enjoy this so much, i feel stupid around him

warm

well shit… what a time to actually realize the kid has an adam’s apple

and really nice collar bones…

he grew up well

why am i thinking about this while we’re fucking freezing to death on an iceberg? i’m going to die here...

heists are always more fun with him around

i wonder how many run-ins we’re going to have before one of us gives it up?

HAH YOU LOSE, no penny for you kid~!

does he not understand that this is how my crew makes money??? i need this??? he’s got to stop…

shit shit shit shit shit, what the hell what is happening why is he kissing me, why am i kissing him back, fuck fuck fuck….

god, he tastes good though, he smells like cinnamon, and warm and soft and, and wow–

i’m the stupidest human being in the entire solar system– OF COURSE he wouldn’t actually kiss me, not because he LIKES me or anything, of course it’d be because of something else

this was a trick and i fucking fell for it and i’m so dumb, i’m so dumb, fuck me, can i please just die now

fuck i even kissed him back– FUCK….

i’m so fucking angry but… not angry… i dont know okay, im so embarrassed and i just want to die

i want to smash myself against the cement below my feet i want to kiss him again

i need to get away from him

being in a room with kafka and seolhyun at the same time is actually suffocating me

is it hot in here????

oh god, i really really dont like  the two of them talking together– they look like they’re plotting…. im worried….

what, are they best friends now??? what the shit???

oh fuck–… that’s a lot of money for one thief.. who the hell did he piss off?

i probably shouldn’t have killed all those mercs… they didn’t know where he was and i could have just tied them up or something, get a head start…. their deaths are probably gonna draw attention…. hmmm….

KAFKA!!!

fucking hell, what do i have to do to get you to stop arguing with me and just… stay with me?

why does he think he’s the solar system’s most wanted?? if anyone has a target on their back, i think it would be me more than him?

mr badass over here, huh?

shut up kafka, i still remember you before your voice dropped, stop pretending to be hard

he is kind of nice to look at though

not that im looking

obviously im not looking

okay yihan has a point now, i see it now, communal showers are a problem, i get it yup

wonder what kafka’s up to

where is that kid?

i hate having nightmares about him

i wonder if he’s sleeping right now, will he let me in? well, there’s one way to find out… i suppose i could just… try to…

his bedroom is nowhere near warm enough, but i guess it’s okay since we’re sharing the mattress

this isn’t weird, right? i mean… we’re friends.. and… sometimes space is just really cold and it’s nice to just have someone warm to hold onto, it helps with sleeping and…

i like his scent… so warm…

don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him…

i need to stop thinking about him, i have work to do

henry thinks if i smile this widely at someone, it means i’m thinking about murdering them, but henry isn’t kafka, so he hasn’t actually seen me smiling like this before

kafka is so fucking ridiculous??

i need to protect him

don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him

isn’t it his birthday soon?

where is kafka? is he coming tonight? sometimes it’s really hard to sleep without him..

is this a nightmare? he’s making weird sounds in his sleep…

too sticky…

too close too close too close too close

god, please just dont look at me right now, why is he always looking at me

can you see it yet, kid? can you see the way blood flows through me like shards of glass?

when is he going to realize i’m born of death? that i shouldn’t be trusted like this…

dear kafka, one day you’re going to look up and see me as the monster i see myself as

and i dont know what to do when that happens

but i know it will happen… soon….

no penny

alright alright, penny for you, just stop making me laugh, it’s ruining my image

fuck, he’s pretty. i need to keep my eyes to myself, damn these engineered pieces of shit

i need to stop looking at him

i need to stop thinking about him

i wonder what kafka is up to…

[duckybeth99]

Help (Pirate!AU)

sets this down and curls up in bed

—

Late one night, and Merhib found himself out of the manor on a walk.

He wanted a moment to himself, out in the town and with fresh air entering his lungs, not dusty books and papers covered in ink.

Ghost was back at the manor with Johnny, taking care of the baby the two were now left to raise. Merhib found himself treating him less as a son and more as a baby brother. Upon this thought, Merhib began to ponder if Ghost viewed him as a son.

A child to help.

He didn’t know if that was unprofessional or not. Well, he did, but he didn’t know if allowing that feeling was okay or not.

Merhib shook his head at the memories of family he already had. A mother who loved him but had to stay away and passed away when he was fourteen, a father who hated him and beat his maids, a half-sister born to another maid, a grandfather who hated him as much as his father did (and often did not acknowledge his existence)… if Ghost and Johnny would be his family, Merhib was beginning to think it would be a welcomed change.

Lost in his thoughts, Merhib didn’t notice the shadowy figures watching him from the alleyways.

Merhib went down to the shore, watching the waves gently rise at the beach, and let out a sigh. He looked up at the night sky, and a flash of a memory came to him. His fifteenth birthday, the singer he met, who he taught about constellations and gave a rose to… where was she now?

Maybe she was looking up at the same sky and thinking of him.

No. Too foolish. Too much of a fantasy.

Letting out another sigh, Merhib suddenly felt someone grab him and another put a gag in his mouth. The lord tried to scream and yell for help, trying tug himself free, but his captors held him too strong, too firm. He felt ropes tie around his wrists and he tried to kick up at one of the men.

He felt something smack the back of his head and everything went black.

The next moment he opened his eyes, he saw pirates hovering over him. He tried to scream out again, he started moving but his legs were tied like his hands. One of the pirates slipped off his glasses and tossed them aside.

“So this is the one who hates all pirates, huh?”

“All those lords and ladies do. But especially those with the Collins name.” Merhib found himself in a panic. He tried to shake himself free. The four pirates only laughed at him.

“Look at ‘im squirmin’ around,” another scoffed.

“Enough of this,” another pirate grumbled heavily. Merhib saw him cleaning off something with a cloth. The pirate pulled it away to reveal a dagger. Merhib’s heart was pounding out of his chest. “Time for the real show. Slit the throat and keep the head as a prize.” Merhib kept trying to scream for help despite the gag in his mouth.

The dagger was put against his throat.

The door slammed open.

“Captain Neva?!”

Merhib thought the name was familiar.

“You dare harm another person here, and you’ll be the next people with your throats slit,” the woman said. The pirates looked at each other nervously. “Let him go.” The pirates stood still. Neva moved past them to the table Merhib was lying on, grabbed her sword, and Merhib shut his eyes tight in fear of her harming him.

The sword came down against the ropes at his ankles and wrists.

She pulled the gag out of his mouth and put his glasses back on him. The lord coughed loudly from the cotton cloth and blinked at being able to see clearly again. Neva helped him sit up. The pirates stared at Neva in fear and did nothing as she helped Merhib. He looked at the pirates, then at Neva.

“You’re afraid of a woman?” Merhib asked. Neva glared at him and the pirates frowned. Neva moved intimidatingly close to Merhib. Their noses almost touched.

“Yes, they are,” she said. “And for good reason. I can tie you back up in three seconds flat and slit your throat without any play or hesitation unlike these ones.” Merhib almost panicked again and gulped. Neva drew back and looked at the pirates.

“Don’t let me catch you, the rest of your crew, your captain, or your ship in these waters again,” Neva grumbled. “Understand?” The lead in the group tried to speak, but Neva pointed her sword at his neck, her jaw clenched and her chest with a low rumble. “Understand?”

“Yes,” he pushed the sword down slowly and carefully. She gestured for the pirates to exit, then looked back to Merhib on the table. She slid her sword back into its holding and picked Merhib up. He looked surprised then frowned at her.

“I can walk for myself,” he said. Neva looked at him, shrugged, and dropped him back on the floor, making the lord yelp.

“Suit yourself,” she hummed with a little smirk. “But follow me. I’ll take you off their ship and make sure you get home safe.” Merhib stood up and dusted himself off.

“Aren’t you a pirate, too?” he asked, “How can I trust you?”

“I don’t know,” Neva shrugged, hands on her belt, “maybe it’s because I saved your life?” Merhib went quiet. “And if you think anything of what I said about hurting you, I don’t hurt people unless I have to.” Merhib was quiet. She opened the door and gestured for Merhib to follow. With no other choice, he did.

He hadn’t even realized he was on a pirate ship, that he had been kidnapped the whole way aboard. Neva led him off, the other pirates standing straight and still in fear. Any glare at Merhib was met with one from Neva, making them look down at the floor.

Once at shore, Neva lead him further away from the docks to be sure no pirates were planning to harm him. Merhib looked up the hill at his home.

“You don’t have to walk me the whole way,” he turned to face the captain. “Thank you for saving my life, though.”

“You’re welcome,” Neva nodded, “But I’m not sure it’s safe just yet. Those pirates could still be crawling down the alleyways. They’ll leave if you’re with me. Besides, I’m sure you’re gonna collapse any second.”

“From what?” Merhib raised a brow. Neva held back a giggle and smirked.

“From being knocked out over the head? Tied up and gagged? Shock of almost being killed?” Neva listed a few reasons. She looked Merhib up and down for a moment, then, “And the fact that you’re limping anyway and are clearly hurt.”

“What?” Merhib blinked. He looked at his leg, noting it wasn’t particularly in the best shape. The edges of his pants were torn, as were parts of his coat and cloak. Neva patted her shoulder.

“Lean on me,” she said. “I’ll help you back. You live up at that hill?”

“Uh-huh,” Merhib murmured. Neva pulled his arm over her shoulders and began to lead him back up to his home.

Merhib looked at her hair, long at her shoulders. It had a familiar color, with a tinge of red he couldn’t forget. Her skin was light brown, her lips looked soft, her eyes kind and familiar. She was familiar.

Neva looked at him, noticing his dark curls, messy that reminded her of the boy she once met. His glasses, his quiet demeanor, his—

“What did they want with you?”

His eyes. Those teal-blue ones.

“Kill me for being a lord,” Merhib grumbled. “Our history for trying to stop pirates.”

“Pirates like them?”

“All pirates. They all make chaos.”

“Even the ones who save your life?” Neva raised a brow. Merhib fell quiet. A tinge of guilt made his pulse jump. “You know, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, as the saying goes. My crew isn’t like that. My friends’ crews aren’t like that. The Pirate Alliance isn’t like that at all. We try and help.”

“Pirate Alliance?” Merhib scrunched up his nose. Neva smiled.

“The AB Pirate Alliance,” she hummed. “Never heard of it?”

“No,” he whispered. Neva shrugged casually.

“I guess you’ll know now, huh?” she teased. “Don’t worry, I didn’t know them before I was part of them. It’s a long story of how I got here. Being a pirate captain, I mean.”

“What’s your name?” Merhib asked. Neva looked into his eyes again. A memory flooded back to him.

“Funny,” she chuckled, “I remember you knowing it when we first met.” Merhib felt his heart get caught in his chest.

“Nevada—”

“Most people call me Neva. Or, Captain Neva now.” Merhib smiled shyly, an excitement he was trying to contain.

“I thought I’d never see you again.”

“Me neither,” Neva smiled. But at the gates of the manor, the two looked up at it then back at each other. “But I guess this is when we have to part ways again.”

“We don’t have to,” Merhib quickly responded. Flustered by his action, he cleared his throat anxiously (oh god it still scratched from yelling and the cotton), and tried to stand straighter. “I mean… this doesn’t have to be goodbye again. We could… w-we could see each other again! Where do you live?”

“Pock Point,” Neva said, “It’s a little ways away from here, a secret place for only those in the Alliance. Besides, if I come here too often, my crew will get suspicious. And what would they think if I was… if I was…”

“Seeing me?” Merhib asked. Neva nodded. She slid her hat off, revealing the hair, still soft and beautiful, even with the passage of time, even with what she had been through. “And everyone would think it odd of me, as well. Especially because… you’re not…”

“I know,” Neva sighed. “It… was what made me not pursue you after the ball. I thought it would be impossible for us. Now, things are more impossible.” Merhib gently took hold of one of Neva’s hands.

“I’m willing to beat the impossible,” he looked her in the eyes, serious but kind and loving. Neva smiled gently. “We can write to each other.”

“I’ll write to you first,” Neva squeezed his hand gently, “So you know where my home is. There might be pauses when I’m sailing…” she looked down at his hand, then looked back up at Merhib with a smile, “but maybe when I’m out and close enough, I can manage secret trips to see you.”

“I would like that,” Merhib smiled. He gently stroked back a lock of Neva’s hair. He looked up at the manor gate, squinting at the garden in the back. A wider smile crossed his face. “Follow me.”

Running back behind the manor (or rather as close as they could with Merhib still being hurt), the young lord reached through the bars of the gate and plucked another rose for Neva. He held it out to her. She smiled at it, noting it’s color: burgundy.

“What does this one mean?” Neva teased. Merhib smiled down at the captain, with genuine love and care in his eyes.

“Undying love and unconscious beauty,” he whispered. He cupped Neva’s face. Her heart skipped a beat, but both closed their eyes and shared a kiss. The two slowly pulled back and stared at each other for a moment, before they felt giggles crawl up in them. They tried to hold it back for a moment, then both laughed together.

Merhib noticed a light inside the house and Johnny’s sounds or attempts to speak. He looked back at Neva and kissed her cheek.

“I have to go,” he said. “But this isn’t goodbye.”

“I know,” Neva smiled. “I’ll write to you. I promise. Just check everyday.”

“Goodnight, Neva,” Merhib stood on his own, pressing his forehead against Neva’s. She closed her eyes and breathed, holding the rose to her chest.

“Goodnight, Merhib,” she whispered back. She gently pulled away and began the path back down to the docks. Merhib was in shock that she had been real. That she was back.

That she remembered.

That she still loved him.

“My Lord!” Ghost called out a window, spotting the young man and bouncing Johnny in his arms, “What are you doing out there? Come inside! I was worried sick!”

Merhib nodded and managed his way back to the front of the house and unlocked the gate, before collapsing in front of the manor. Ghost heard him fall. Merhib heard him gasp and shout his name.

———

“A goodnight’s rest?” Ghost carried a tray with breakfast and tea for Merhib inside his room. The lord woke up groggily and looked at his wrist, wrapped up in a bandage.

“As good as it could have been,” he sighed. “My wrist hurts. What happened after I tried to come inside?”

“Well, you collapsed,” Ghost set the tray in front of Merhib, the young man quietly eating and listening, “and so I set Johnny down in the crib and came after you. You were out cold. I got you to stand up, but I suppose you were so out of it, you don’t remember. I got you back into your room, set you on the bed, and started to bandage up your wounds. I let you sleep and I still don’t know what happened. Perhaps you can answer that for me.” Merhib nearly choked on his roll.

“Uh,” he tried to think, taking a sip from his tea, “I went on my walk. And then… these pirates attacked me. Knocked me over the head, tied me up, and took me on their ship. They were ready to slit my throat and take my head.”

“Goodness gracious,” Ghost shook his head, his eyes wide in shock. “You were nearly killed! And again, by those dastardly…”

“But I’m alive!” Merhib stopped Ghost. After speaking with Neva, something didn’t sit right with him when speaking ill of pirates. “I’m alive.”

“Yes,” Ghost sighed, “but how did you escape?”

“It was… a string of events,” Merhib gave a sheepish smile. “But that’s not important. I’m alive and alright.”

“I wouldn’t say alright,” Ghost grumbled. “Ah, well. Finish up your breakfast and I’ll fix up your bandages, my Lord.”

“Thank you,” Merhib murmured. The steward left him to his meal. Merhib cupped the tea in his hand, gently and quiet, taking a deep breath of its scent, and drank it quietly.

He glanced over to his window, but the curtains were closed to block the sunlight from stirring him. But he wanted to see the water.

He wanted to see her sail away.

—

“Captain,” a pirate came up to Neva, causing her to gasp softly, “we’re ready to set sail. Are you alright?”

“Yes, of course,” Neva nodded. “Let the voyage begin, back straight to Pock Point. I’ll be up on the deck shortly.”

“Yes, Captain,” the pirate bowed and made her exit. Neva watched her go and waited for the door to her quarters to click shut. Once it did, she turned back to her desk and looked at the flower Merhib had given her last night.

She let out a happy sigh and hum, picking it up from her vase and pressing it to her chest.

“I’ll talk to you soon,” she whispered to it. She began to hum a song to herself, feeling the Songbird begin its voyage.

—

With his bandages newly applied and him dressed, Merhib turned to exit his bedroom, but stopped for a single moment. In his hesitation, he slowly turned around to his window.

He pulled back the dark velvet-like curtains and opened up the window to step out into the balcony. Breathing in the morning air, he felt the sea breeze blow through his curls. Merhib set his arms against the edge of the balcony, ignoring the minor jolts of pain from his wrists. He watched the crystal waters shimmer with the morning sun, the ships at the docks to deliver, to take, and—

and there was Neva’s ship.

He could only guess, but it was different than the others. It wasn’t the pirate ship he had been taken on, that was long gone. But her ship was bigger than the other boats. It had to be her.

Merhib watched her ship sail away from view and found himself rubbing his hands gently, soothingly. Loving and longingly.

“I’ll wait for you,” he murmured. “No matter how long it takes.”

[babygirlblogging-lise-blog]

My First

I failed my driving test. 

That was in the fall of 2017, I was a senior in high school. All of my friends were getting their licenses and cars while I was stuck being a passenger. The woman who failed me thought I wasn’t confident enough. Like damn, can’t even be nervous without being penalized these days huh? She failed me for the most ridiculous shit. But that has nothing to do with the story I plan on telling. 

A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday I tried again. This was something I needed to do before I turned 18. Giving up wasn’t an option. There was no way I wanted to retake my written if I didn’t pass before I was considered a legal adult. The guy who tested me this time? He was fine as hell and now that I think about it, I was supposed to text him when I turned eighteen. I lost his number, sadly. But that also has nothing to do with the story. I want to tell you the story about the first guy I-

-’ve always been cheap. I was ten when my aunt was going to get a new car. I convinced her to save her old car for me so that when I started driving I wouldn’t have to buy a car. By the end of the summer of 2017, my grandpa fixed up the old car and I was all good to go. Free to go wherever I wanted. I no longer had to wait around for people, waste money on lyfts or walk. So naturally, I took myself on adventures. 

One night, against my better judgement. I lied to my mom and said I was going to hang out with my friends. If I would have told her what I was really going to do, she would’ve gone into over protective mode and I didn’t want that. I just wanted some time to myself. I drove over the bridge and into Philly. Not for a concert or any other event. I just wanted some me time. I parked my car. Got oreo ice cream and sugar cookies from Insomnia Cookies and walked around the city. 

Not going to lie and say I knew exactly where I was at all times. I wasn’t even guaranteed that I was safe, I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. All I know is I was somewhere around Broad Street, because that’s where Insomnia Cookies was located. I came across this huge, gorgeous building, I’m not very good at names. Everything was lit up and there was art on the sides of some of the buildings surrounding it. There was even a fountain in front of it all. The scene just looked so beautiful. I walked across the street, hopped up on a ledge and just took it all in. It felt serene, even with so many people flooding the sidewalks. I sat and continued eating my snacks, I was enjoying clearing my head. Until someone interrupted me that is… 

“Hey.” I looked up to see a cute guy. There were a few girls not too far from me talking. It was the beginning of August, late at night but still pushing eighty degrees. Of course they were clad in clothes that left nothing to the imagination. I figured he was talking to them. Guys like the ones who look easy. He couldn’t have been talking to me. So I went back to dipping my cookie into my ice cream and admiring the scenery. I didn’t really acknowledge the fact that he moved a little closer to me. He said hey again and I finally looked up at him directly, before looking around. He laughed a little. “I don’t blame you for being that into ya snacks. I love their shit. But I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Yep, he’s definitely talking to me. I was confused as to why though. I get hit on by guys pretty often, I know I’m not ugly but with him talking to me, I felt extremely insecure. Suddenly I wished that I had dressed a little better. I looked like a child for fucks sakes. I was wearing a gold fish shirt, black tights, a hat that said “Hoodrats” and Chucks. I was even swinging my legs off the ledge, eating ice cream! 

He introduced himself as Dey. I wanted to know the name his mom gave him so I asked him for his full name. Ayinde. Pronounced Uh-zhen-day. Unique. It has African origins. He told me that my name was almost as pretty as I was. If I were white, I definitely would have blushed. I didn’t understand why he made me feel so shy. 

 I learned that he was mixed with Irish, Haitian and Cuban. Interesting mix, I know. Despite his slight baby face, he turned out to be 20. He was tall, about 6’1. He had taken his hat off to redo his ponytail, he tied his curly, brown hair back into a man bun. He was light skinned with a slight tan. Doe brown eyes paired with the cutest smile. He was dressed in all black, I would’ve been a little concerned if it weren’t for the logo on his hat. I could see a tattoo peeking out from under his short sleeved shirt. Just my type. 

I was tired of the small talk and beating around the bush. “Why’d you come over here to talk to me?” Instead of replying, the douche just smiled and then hopped up on the ledge next to me. It was weird. I was supposed to be having me time, if any other guy did this I would’ve been rude. I wouldn’t have given them the time of day. I wasn’t even afraid, Ayinde strangely made me feel safe. Something was telling me to give him a chance, instead of shutting him down. 

“Well, I was on break, I work across the street.” He points to a small cafe. “I saw you walk by and… I don’t know I thought you were beautiful. Now that I’ve gotten closer, it seems so effortless. No make up and you’re not even dressed up.”

Shit, I have no clue what to say to this. He’s been nice and respectful. “Thank you.” Well, that was lame but it was safe. We talked more before he had to go back to work. He was funny as hell, we both had the same rude, dark, sarcastic humor. He complimented me pretty often and he seemed kind of bummed that he had to leave once his break was over. 

“Why don’t you grow some balls and just ask me what you wanna ask me.” I thought to myself, I should be a fucking actress. I’m great at faking confidence. 

He laughed and just smiled at me for a second. “Well, I would like to get to know you more. Can I get your number?” 

You know when you give someone your number, you almost expect them to wait days or weeks to text you. Surprisingly, Ayinde texted me that night. 

AYINDE: hey beautiful, u get home safely?

ME: Oh shit, I see u found ur balls! 

AYINDE: lol yea yea yea. I know I was acting like a pussy earlier but that’s not how I usually am

***

AYINDE: FT me? I haven’t seen u since we met punk

ME: No I look crazy rn 

AYINDE: Is tht even possible? I think you’re cute af

ME: aww thanks but everyone’s entitled to their own insecurities

AYINDE: Ig but that’s y u need me 

ME: wym?

AYINDE: to take away your insecurities

ME: Doubt that’s possible 

AYINDE: try me

***

ME: entertain meee! I’m bored, stuck at my great grandma’s house :(

AYINDE: I literally just woke up, still in bed

ME: Luckyyy, my head’s fucking killing me

AYINDE: wish I could help

ME: me too lol do u have superpowers? 

AYINDE: no, do u?

ME: Nah I’m not tht awesome 

AYINDE: I think ur pretty awesome

Ayinde and I got closer over the next month. We hadn’t actually seen each other after the first time we met. He worked crazy hours and still had school. I worked everyday and had school as well. Plus, I wasn’t completely comfortable meeting up with a guy I didn’t really know. He understood that. He always made sure I was comfortable before we did anything. He eventually convinced me to facetime him… a lot... and when we didn’t he acted like a big baby.

ME: u happy now?

AYINDE: lol no

ME: y not -_-

AYINDE: I got nothing pretty to look at now

ME: whose fault it tht?

AYINDE: idk. Do u kno?

ME: Lol yea ik

AYINDE: tell me 

ME: yours :P

AYINDE: well if u came over we wouldn’t have this problem

I was a very late bloomer. I knew freshmen girls who got pregnant, meanwhile I hadn’t had my first kiss until I was 16. I didn’t start dating until 17. I was a fresh 18 and I was still a virgin. I waited a while to tell him because I liked him and didn’t want to scare him off. But he surprised me, I learned that he wasn’t like other guys. Most guys only want you for one thing. And that’s to get them off. Not all are gonna be lovey dovey when you’re not putting out. 

ME: I hate being a girl. I think my uterus just exlpoded. Im dying

AYINDE: Aww u can’t die yet, I havent taken u out yet

ME: wut do u want from meee

AYINDE: I told u what I want 

ME: hmmmm

AYINDE: i didnt? 

ME: u could have an ulterior motive

AYINDE: lol what? Ayo y cant I just think ur gorgeous and want to get to kno u, find out who u r

***

He was very protective of me. Anytime I even looked a tiny bit sad or sounded off, he was ready to beat someone up for me. 

AYINDE: ur awake? 

ME: Yea just woke up on some bs 

AYINDE: u good?

ME: yea im ok lol

AYINDE: u sure? I’ll fuck someone up

ME: lol yea im good now

And as the oldest, always looking out for my little brothers and my friends. It felt good to have someone looking out for me for a change. 

***

ME: I move into college tmw nd I aint pack shit yet

AYINDE: ur bugging

ME: Pack 4 me?

AYINDE: lol ill pass

ME: my back hurts like all hell, some of this shit is heavy

AYINDE: what u carrying…?

ME: 4 one, I hav a lot of clothes, they add up nd I had to take em downstairs

AYINDE: lol whoakay wittle wone

ME: fuck u, this shit weighs more than me! I almost fell down the stairs!

AYINDE: thts cuz ur like 87 lbs

ME: Aye! Give me my props, im like 120

AYINDE: lol i see u killa

I fucking loved when he called me that, made me feel invincible. 

Despite how it seems this isn’t a love story. This isn’t a memoir about me finding my first love. Bleh. That’s so sappy. I want to tell you about the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone. You’ve experienced a snippet of our relationship. Ayinde and I were never together. We were just people who met at the wrong time. Had too much going on in our separate lives to focus on developing a relationship. But it didn’t stop us from pursuing the unique friendship we had. For years we maintained contact, I’d visit him pretty often but we always kept our distance when it came to personal things. We used each other as escapes from our realities. We were each other’s vacation after a long week. 

One night we were hanging out and things got more heated than they usually did. I wasn’t prepared to take the next step with anyone. No worries, I’m not about to make you uncomfortable and talk about how I lost my virginity because that isn’t the point. Before I say anything, I did have a great childhood. But some things did leave me scarred, I struggled with intimacy as a result. To make a long story short, it makes me self conscious, not something I’ll flaunt for the whole world to see. 

I’m the type of girl who will wait until the bathroom is empty to change my pad or start going to the bathroom. If it’s too busy, I’ll wait all day until I go home. In the locker room, I’d find the farthest corner or wait until all the girls leave to change my clothes. I’m not comfortable being alone around men. I used to clench my pocket knife in my hand when I walked home alone at night. The list goes on. 

The point of this memoir is to tell about the first time I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Let alone, around a guy. 

They were everywhere. Trailing from my neck and back up against mine. His lips were distracting. I could barely focus. Let alone notice that the both of us were wearing less and less clothing by the minute. I stopped. 

I wouldn’t be able to handle him not liking what he saw. What if I did a bad job? What if he stopped talking to me?

“Do you want me to stop?” Ayinde pulled back from me looking concerned. He looks so cute right now. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off. 

“Ye-No. It’s just, can you turn the lights completely down?” He liked his room dim, not too bright or dark. It was normally perfect but at that moment, they were making this situation turn into a nightmare.

“Um, why? What’s wrong?” He’s still hovering above me. I didn’t really want him to move. I bit my lip, contemplating. 

“Just don’t look at me any differently. Okay?” I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. Hoping that my issues with myself wouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve never gone this far with anyone. 

When the time came. I held my breath. Okay, I see my pants on the floor near the dresser. My shirt is near the door. I was locating my clothing so that I’d be able to leave quicker. I’m not really one to feel embarrassed but this was going to be borderline humiliating if I wasn’t enough for him. This reminded me of how I felt when I failed my driving test, but I wanted to do this with Ayinde. I didn’t want to quit just because I hadn’t grown the balls to show anyone else. I didn’t want to miss out because I was nervous as to what he might think. I had to at least give him a chance. 

What Ayinde did shocked me. Instead of being grossed out or losing his hard on. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t say anything. He kissed every part of my body and when he was done he leaned down to kiss my lips. I was worried, about him seeing all of me, for no reason. He wound up giving me the confidence I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. He told me what I needed to hear from a guy that I was into, not my parents: 

“You’re beautiful.”

And just like that... I didn’t have anymore insecurities. 

[thebrushedbalcony]

Sunday Night 8/5

   I suppose I wasn't in the right headspace earlier in the day. I had gone to bed late the night before, I had had one or two small screw-ups that I could write off as not my fault. I had a full 9 hours of sleep before Saturday - and that was after a few short nights. My birthday had been the Thursday before, and I was generally in a good mood during/after. Steven smoked me out at 10, I went to Old Chicago after, and then Tessa and Hoppe came and hung out for just an hour. I suppose at this point, I had been smoking about 6 nights a week for 2 weeks (started right after I lifted my self-imposed ban on not smoking after I closed). 

I guess if im going that far back I might as well take an even broader picture of whats been happening in my life recently. Its been 8 months since I moved out into this house. Eight months since I began easily removing any mental boundaries I had set in stone for myself. Drugs, Sex, language (still gonna hold onto that last one for awhile). Something I haven't nearly done enough soul-searching about is God! I'm worried I have so easily dropped an entire life that had been pointing me towards a life of bible-reading, church-attending, and being the perfect role model. Like Amanda moving in! A year ago I would have been proud to flaunt that I didn't smoke or drink or have even the slightest thought about dirty sex outside of a sanctioned marriage. Now look at me, I'm everything past Ethan liked to believe he was better than everyone else about. I guess thats a long-winded way of saying I'm a big ol' hypocrite! These are the big things I have held onto my whole life - my way of always thinking in the back of my head that I'm "better" than everyone else just a bit. And now its all gone awaaay.

I don't mourn the loss of my "innocence" or whatever tho. These were all my decisions, I thought these all out. Sure half of it was probably my hamster going into overload, but just maybe it wasn't! Some of these christian laws and rules that everyone has to follow don't seem very rooted in solid logic. But wow, maybe thats my hamster again. Spinning in overdrive to make up logical reasons for my stupid decisions. Either way, I've got no regrets! This last night is really pushing that though. Sex was fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun with it during my life. Marijuana is fun! I presume I'll still be getting high for years to come. Maybe. Last night was actual, existential pain like I've never felt before. I was able to fully slide into the victim mentality - first time in my life. But I'll get to that later. I'm not sure who these last two paragraphs are for, but I think that is a pretty good look into my head going into last night. Oh yeah - that’s what the point of all that was! Alright. Back to the story. 

5 grams of weed. That’s how much I helped Josh distill. 30 bucks, if I went to a cheaper dealer. Josh was on TOP of the math, apparently the cup he just poured was one-hundred-freaking-milligrams. Josh and I didn't take that number seriously. Maybe Josh did more, in the back of his mind, but we both knew steven took like, 80mg of the stuff and didn't feel anything! And the "30mg" cookie I took a week or two ago wasn't really that bad anyway. No way this is 100mg. "These edibles ain't shit!" as I drank actually 100mg and sealed my incredibly unforunate fate. Drank it at 8:30, and I could actually feel it really fast. Like within minutes, just a small sense that something was off. In a good way of course, like cool! Getting high already.

First hour was fun. I was already kinda in a daze, having only got 6 hours of sleep the night before. Having fun, music was great and I even pulled out my phone and recorded whatever strange conversation we were having at the time. The other three were pretty hyped about a firepit, I still think its very funny Josh had lived there so many years and had no idea if there was one around still. I was inside, stuck to a chair when I recorded a bit of what was going on in my head. This must have been about 10:15:

"the house is all screwey. Its like every thing I see is instantly as distant as a sharp memory, srrange focal points and strangw perspectives. Im dreaming? Weird nostslgia molding together, in a not normal way. like an old distant life. im lazq ‰) %/"#÷ame. wow, hah This is lucid, but stuck. Its self aware lucid and is all."

It had been a bit over an hour and a half and I was practically in a dream state. Whats strange is all my other experiences with edibles is I don't notice myself getting much higher after 1.5/2 hours. I guess there was just so much weed it kept on being absorbed. Anyway, Amanda came and grabbed me as Josh and Drew were trying to get the fire started. I was having a grand old time, stumbling around and in complete awe as to how I couldn't file anything I was seeing into a clear and defined memory. It still plays out like an extremely vivid dream in my head. None of the wacky dream stuff was happening, like people I didn't know or new settings, but everything had that strange sheen and warped perspective of not really being there. 

I believe it was 10:30/45 when I had to stumble away from the campfire because I had a sudden and very specific feeling that I was going to throw up. I got to my car and realized there was actually a whole lot that was going wrong. I held onto the driver's side of my car for dear life as my reality slowly splintered into anguish. I would have said pain right there, but that wouldn't be right. It wasn't really a sharp bad physical pain, I get a nice dose of that whenever a migraine hits. No this was like, being unplugged from the matrix but the only other option was death. To continue the analogy, I would try and plug myself back in but realized in horror the only thing that defined my existence was a few vague memories from my past when nothing really special happened. That’s all I was, a big ol poser in life with only a false personality given to me by my parents and my church with a few unrelated memories that I pretended tied it all together. It was like my personality and my own being was being broken down to it's pure biology - the entire person I had spent my whole life building up just being ripped away. The worst part is I was locked out of anything that had happened in my brain for the past 10 years. All the dreary foggy terrible memories were from random times when I was growing up, and none of them even had bad emotions attached to them! The horror was them being displayed to me as the only thing that made me a person. It was lifeless, cruel, something was telling me that I've never had any real life, and it was going to rip away every single lie I have told myself since I was born. And all that would be left is a broken and defeated nothing of a living being.

Now, I don't presume to get all spiritual here. That "something" was me, I mean right? I took too much drug, and it went to TOWN and the only thing they had to work with was this brain up here. I'm.... not sure where it came up with all that though. A current working thesis is that... it uncovered something? If marijuana truly only had my brain to work with, it pulled that ugly monster out of SOME deep dark corner. Now I'm sure it completely amplified and morphed this small insecurity into the terrible monster that it became, but nevertheless it was a monster of my own creation. And thats what makes it so terrifying, I was in agony and defeated by MYSELF. Well, plus a buttload of drugs. Hmm, maybe that was it. But Josh and Drew had the same amount! It could be explained away by different tolerances or different mental makeup. Either way, I crossed my boundaries like, WAY far.

Maybe I am overthinking this. I have slowly learned to deal with migraines for the past 10 years - and thats been a huge struggle to fight my body with my mind! Once it hits I can't do anything to stop it. But I've learned to accept it, I ride it out and deal with it - acknowledge that it'll get better eventually. I suppose that is the line of thinking from last night that kept me sane. I knew weed couldn't kill or maim you. You better believe I held onto that thought - that idea like it was my lifeline. 

Anyway I told Amanda where the spare was, I got in my car and laid down eventually. I was glad Josh was there in the car with me for some of the time, as I mentioned earlier I knew I had no qualms putting myself in the "very bad victim" category. Normally I would feel bad Josh had to sit in the car with me for 30+ minutes, but I didn't! I was in so much bad having his slight uncomfort was almost expected. That sounds super selfish and I'm very grateful but thats how it was hah. He grabs me some water, dips inside towards the end so he didn't have to stay out there forever. Eventually I get inside, and onto the couch (around 12:10) and I somehow zoned out until 3. I remember some small conversation, someone passed me some sherbert and I think Amanda made pizza later. I knew I didn't want to sleep on the couch so I went downstairs and stole the bed in the middle of the room. Got about 6 hours, and still felt high when I woke up. And theeen I lazed around all day, took a nap and left and came here at 8. 

So in conclusion. I think I might have got a bit too fanatic about the whole "hidden mental closet" thing, but maybe not. I definitely had a LOT of weed, and it definitly hit me wrong. The next few days will tell if there is anything different in how I...live? mentally? I think even now 48 hours the shock is wearing off. Even typing this it seems like a really vivid dream. I might not have even typed this if Josh hadn't mentioned that I maybe should, that these experiences can fade away. I guess i'm not surprised, my sober mind is probably busy chucking that memory into a trash bag and dragging it down to the landfill!

I guess, with my first few paragraphs being hindsight, I do have a lot of scary thoughts that I don't think about. Who am I really, what are my real boundaries, if I can throw out these big boundaries so easily, who's to say I chuck the baby out with the bathwater and give up on my personality as I've started with! Haha naa, I like what I am. There I said it, I am haappy with who I am. Maybe a bit more sex would help with the self esteem, and a bit more money would be quite welcome as well - but I'm doing alright. I've got my own house, a freaking perfect mini-studio in here, a tired but nice job, and a really awesome friend in Josh. In his parent's freaking fairy-tale house. 2/10 would bad trip again fo sho

[encomiium]

Think of a Wonderful Thought, Any Happy Little Thought 02 January 2017 Charles

The treehouse was buzzing with voices, shouts ricocheting off the bark, each attempting to eclipse another. Boys shoved against each other, all clamoring for a chance to speak and weigh in on the miracle that had happened earlier that day. Little faeries twinkled with intrigue, leaning over branches and lighting red cheeks and watery eyes, shaking fists and clenched jaws.

“You saw him! The way he sword fights, it had to be him!”

“He’s finally come to lead us again!”

“But why is he so… big?”

“S’not him! ‘E mus’ be a pirate in disguise! We hafta kill ‘im!”

“No! It’s gotta be him! He promised he’d come back!”

“He also promised not to grow up. So either way he’s a stinkin’ liar!”

All around Charles, the Lost Boys erupted in a roar of agreement, some boys holding their swords up high, ready as ever to charge into battle. Sitting high in his hammock, swinging softly in the breeze, Charles watched two stars hanging in the sky side by side, twinkling in unison. His lips pressed together, he breathed in the cold night, a hand pressed against the throbbing spot on his hairline.

“Shut up, all of you!” screamed an especially shrill voice and the crowd quieted a bit as Leila climbed up onto the trunk of the giant banyan tree the Lost Boys called home. She pulled back her hood, red fur and black-tipped fox ears falling away to reveal a shock of blonde hair, sheared short, long hair, of course, being very easy to grab in the heat of battle. “We don’t know anything for sure, but there’s one Lost Boy here who’d know better than anyone if we’re dealing with the real Robert here!”

“Why do we gotta’ listen to a dumb girl for?!” baited someone in the crowd. Leila drew her dagger quickly, teeth bared and startling green eyes wild, looking for blood.

“She’s as much a Lost Boy as any of us are!” Leila softened slightly, Joshua tall and looming in the crowd. He growled, chest puffed as he singled out the boy who’d spoken up, “Listen to her, or I’ll toss you out of the tree myself!”

The treehouse erupted in another peal of crazed whoops, rickety wooden bridges shaking and leaves disturbed in large clumps.

“Enough,” Charles finally groaned, rolling out of his hammock and landing on a platform, built to overlook the rest of the Boys. The rowdy pack hushed themselves quickly, looking up at the oldest of them all, a child with bright, livid eyes that demanded the utmost attention. Leila stepped down and nodded at Charles, proud that she knew exactly who would have the answer.

“I will talk to him,” he said finally, pulling a leather belt on over the rags of a shirt long torn to pieces and tied up in knots over his body. His sword fell against his leg as another boy softly interrupted.

“But–Charles? He–he… Your forehead,” the boy tried, wringing his hands.

“Didn’t I bring him to his knees?” Charles shouted, sliding down a thick vine and landing in front of the Lost Boys. “I invited him to eat with us,” he barked, the congregation of Boys parting in front of him as he stepped towards the ladder to the levels below, “I gave him a room to sleep in. He is here on my mercy, whomever he is, and I will not let some stranger tear the Lost Boys apart, is that understood?!”

“Yessir!” the Lost Boys cheered, a ripple of pride coursing through the gang. The Boys followed him to the ladder and watched their leader descend to the lowest floor, whispering amongst each other and shoving for the best view.

Charles pulled himself onto the decrepit, unkept patio to one of the dilapidated and frail chambers within the massive treehouse. The wood was rotted and unattended, completely abandoned for the better lodgings at the top of the treehouse, where a Lost Boy could see the rising or setting sun. Dead leaves crunched and floorboards creaked as Charles walked through the door without so much as a knock, watching the giant man on the moldy bed sit up quickly before standing, nearly knocking his head on the low-hanging branch at the ceiling. Lit by a small candle in a lantern hanging by a rusty hook, the stranger was still as large as he had been with a sword in his hand. That same hand reached up behind his head and tugged on long blonde hair tied back in a tight bun and Charles’s chest tightened.

“Hi, I–I heard you all up there,” the man said and god Charles wanted to punch him right in his stupid face.

“And?” Charles asked, glaring at the man. His chest hurt and his breaths came in ragged, angry huffs.

“I don’t mean to hurt you all–I didn’t mean to hurt you–”

“You didn’t hurt me!” Charles bristled, closing the gap between him and this–this man. This grown-up.

“I’m sorry I just–I need your help! Please, my children are–”

“What should we care about your kids?” Charles’s stomach hurt, it twisted on itself in a sick and disgusting way. He didn’t know why he felt this way, why it hurt so damn much.

“I-I- no, you know how to make me into the Pan, that’s what Hook told me!”

Charles couldn’t contain himself. Shaking, he drew his sword, his heart aching and his nose burning. The tip barely grazed the man’s golden beard as Charles looked up at the giant, fearless and furious. “You. Are not. Robert,” he spat, gritting his teeth.

“Trust me,” he man said, his voice even and soft, “That’s just my name. I don’t know who everyone else thinks I am, but it’s just not me, kid.”

Charles dropped his sword, quickly running his face against his shoulder and sheathing the heavy iron blade. The man continued, shaking his head lightly, “Please, I’m not him, but you can turn me into him.”

“Robert is dead, no one can be him anymore.” Charles shot a venomous look up at the man, his lips curling in a vicious sneer, “Especially not some grown-up.”

The man groaned, running a huge hand across his face in a way that was too familiar. A coincidence, it had to be. “I have to be him to get my kids back. If you’re not going to help me, I’ll find help somewhere else.”

Charles turned to look at the man, taking in a deep breath before speaking softly. Lightly. Trying his hardest to be diplomatic when all he wanted to do was cut the man’s chest open and watch him bleed. “Who am I?”

“Charles,” the man answered quickly.

“No,” Charles growled, biting back a few snide remarks, “Not because you heard the others say my name. Do you really know my name? What about my birthday? Do you remember how I got to this place, Robert? Do you?!” The man didn’t speak, just collapsed back onto the creaking bed, his head falling into his hands, resting on his knees. Charles shook his head, staring down the man who’d given up, a shadow of the boy Charles knew he’d been, all along. “You left me. You left me and you don’t even remember my name.”

“I–You’re a dream,” Robert said, staring at Charles’s eyes sparkling in the moonlight pouring in through the window.

“Yes,” Charles laughed, his lip quivering and his voice shaking. He wiped his face against his shoulder again, his chest squeezing and bursting like a passion fruit in an angry fist. “And I bet you remember Olympia just perfectly, don’t you?”

Robert looked up, his eyes bright with recognition, “My ex-wife? You know her? Is she here?”

Charles bit his lip, eyes closing as he tried to breathe. Robert sat in front of him, excited to hear her name while he tossed Charles away from his mind, a useless memory. A piece of trash. The boy he–he loved. His one and only kiss. The boy he followed into sure death over and over, bright, mischievous, shining blue eyes and a smile like a windy ocean breeze, sat there a man, a hollow shell. A good for nothing grown-up with no dreams, no happy thoughts. Charles turned, pulling his hood up over his head without a word. He heard the giant stand behind him, knees creaking and breath caught in his chest, looking for words he just didn’t have anymore. Sweetheart, wait. Wagon, don’t go! Charles, I’m sorry. Look at me. Charles could hear these simple things trapped in the jail cell of Robert’s old mouth, completely unsaid and forgotten. Charles turned to the small desk beside him, a silver thimble sitting on the desk, dusty and dull. With a flick of his wrist, he knocked it to the floor and watched it roll in a circle before falling through a hole in the wood, clinking softly on its way down.

He walked to the edge of the platform and jumped off, running into the thick of the forest. He heard Lost Boys in the trees howl to the moon above, wisping gentle white light into the clouds as Charles disappeared into the darkness, sprinting. The cold night air was cleansing in his pallid, decaying chest, tight with the agony of facing the reality that Robert never died. Robert lived on, he left the Lost Boys for an adventure Charles was not fit for. He abandoned all of them to grow up. He married that awful Olympia, that terrible girl he’d brought to be a Lost Boy with all of them. He had children, he had his own children he’d turned his back on so much that they were taken in the middle of the night to a place of happiness, where no one ever had to grow up, ever.

Charles remembered his parents. How he ached to see them smile at him, just once. Robert smiled at him that night and it was all it took for him to fly off to Neverland and be at his side for so many snowing seasons, for hot suns and chilly nights. He remembered wanting so badly to go with Robert when he flew away that last time, a sick feeling in his stomach, just like the one he had tonight. I’ll be back for you, pinky promise!

Charles wished, in that moment, sprinting through the trees and finding Hook’s ship floating quietly on a silent night, that Robert had just stayed dead.